Hatred like a Burning Fire

As the days go by I'm feeling this dying hatred towards a certain type of people burn stronger and stronger everyday. After about 14 years of my life with those people, after being treated like shit, put down everyday, and neglected who wouldn't hate those people right? But is it right for me to hate the general category of those people? Well I grew up in a community filled with those people and I can tell you this if you've seen one you've pretty much seen them all. They're all alike all of them and I'm sick and tired of them being so proud and cock of themselves. What do they have to be proud of? They're not even human! They're just a bunch of barbarians that think of nothing other than themselves and personal gain. I noticed this wherever I go. Whether I'm in town in even in the country side these types of people are all the same no matter where in the world they are. As each day passes by I have this stronger urge to kill them all and wipe them off the face of this planet. I know for a fact that the world would benefit without these people so why hasn't anyone done anything about it? I dunno whatever punishment will come to those types of people someday I never thought I'd be racist towards a certain group but thanks to those people I spent 14 years with I have this hatred like a burning fire towards them that won't ever get extinguished.

Deterioration

Growing up in a very plastic and materialistic environment I can say that I've seen the world for what it truly is early than most people have. It disappoints me to see how many people in the world are blinded by what truly matters and would give up high moral values for their materialistic desires. One can not truly say they've seen the world for what it truly is until they are on the outside looking in just like how you can't see what your house looks like if you're sitting in your house all day. It sad to see people split from each other and look down upon one another because they do not wear the latest fashions or don't have the coolest gear. People that become obsessed with material possessions and social status can never really find true happiness in life. How can you be happy when you are always worrying about how to be the "in" or "popular" person? Its just sad to see people revolve their lives around such ridiculous things. I'll admit that as a kid growing up I always wanted to be one of those popular kids with the coolest gadgets but when I finally did get them I didn't feel as accomplished or as happy as I thought I would be. I live a fairly simple life and I don't want much to tell you the truth, thats why when people ask me what I want I just say "I don't know" Cause that's the plain truth I don't know what I want because I don't have that many materialistic desires. I mean of course I would like to have a fancy car and a decent house but there's nothing much that I really want cause I find that materials don't make me very happy unless it was from a friend in that case anything would be fine for a present. I wonder if there's a place in this world where material possessions and social status doesn't matter to people. Where people like each other for who they truly are and not what they have. If there is a place like that I'd sure like to find it. The world is deteriorating as people become more and more obsessed in social status and material possessions and its just a real sad sight to see.

Study, Study, Study!

So I just took my first mid term exams yesterday and let me tell you something these exams are far beyond the ones that I have taken in high school. Back in high school you could study last minute or probably not even at all and still ace the exam (I can say this out of personal experience) but mid terms in college are so much different! They make sure you have a complete understanding of everything that you were taught in lecture to the point where all of the answers are so related that you absolutely have to be sure of what you are doing in order to get an A in the class. I came into college thinking that it would be a breeze like high school but I now stand corrected. I'm pretty sure I didn't score an "A" but I know I didn't score anything less than a "C" but I won't find out until tomorrow. Besides that I scored a 5.5 of 8 on my math exam and I need a 7 of 8 to pass but I have 5 more tries so yeah. From the start of school up until now I've just been slacking off and doing all of my work last minute but now that I know what the exams are like I know how hard I must study. Growing up I always told myself that I'm going to college and I'll get my degree to prove to everyone that getting your college degree isn't affected by you background, you don't have to come from a rich family, or a smart family, you don't even need to have a family at all. Whether or not you get your college degree depends completely on yourself. People nowadays are so materialistic and so unsure of themselves that they don't believe this, they get into college thinking that because they're rich or they're popular they'll automatically get their degree, or they came to college and got into a program because their friends are in it. Well I got this far by myself. I'm in college because I want to be here and I'm in the engineering program because I want to be an engineer. I made it halfway through my trip now all I have to do is prove what I've been saying all these years. Its time I stopped playing games and started getting serious about my college education. If I continue the study habits I have now I know I'll never make it through engineering but this is where I put my game face on and start studying for real.

College

I spent my first week in the dorms before school started and I can tell you this much. I enjoy the freedom to do whatever I want but to tell you truth its kinda boring. I enjoy the food and no curfew here now that I can get used to. I thought that since I'm so close to town everyday would be some kind of crazy fun day but I guess its kind of pointless for me to think that I can really go out so often because books are crazy expensive! $4000 in scholarships hasn't been mailed yet so I have to wait until that comes in to get the $370 I spent on books back. So far its been pretty boring though. I didn't get explore town cause school didn't start yet so I didn't really meet that much new people and I can't drive yet so I'm kind of confined to where the bus takes me. Hopefully things get a lot better over the year. I start school tomorrow with math so I guess I'll have my first real taste of college life tomorrow.

A Short Circuited Brain

So I've been thinking lately about criminals and stuff. You hear and read about crime that happens in the world everyday and I wonder what makes criminals do the things that they do? I started thinking about myself when I was younger and I had the urge to steal things. The things I stole wasn't valuable it was small things like bubble gum and what not. To be honest I don't even know why I stole those things my family always provided me with everything that I needed. Come to think of it I probably stole those things out of the pure fact that I didn't have it or simply because I had the urge for something new. Although those things were small stealing is stealing but it really makes me wonder why people start committing much larger crimes. I did it simply because I wanted to and because I didn't have those things but what makes a killer kill? and a rapist rape? Are they the same as me and do those things because they want to? Or perhaps there's something psychologically wrong with them. Some people go wrong because of a bad past. I hate it when people say they understand someone when they really don't. You can never understand a person until you've gone through the same pain that they have. I'll probably never understand criminals because they all have their different stories.

A Place For Me?

Have you ever wondered if God put you in the right place? There are times where I seem to keep asking myself that same question. "Did God put me in the right place?" I wonder this because I think my bad experiences outweigh the good ones. I was never really the type of person that liked cliques and yet the place I live in is so divided by cliques it makes it almost impossible to hang with everyone. I've seen and been to so many places where people don't really care for cliques and yet I somehow end up in a place where a clique is everything. I dunno sometimes I get so sick of seeing the same people's faces everyday that I could never really stand to be in one. When I go and hangout with friends that aren't from where I live everyone is so chill with each other I wonder if God put me in the right place?

A Twisted and Tainted Image

I've noticed a lot lately how people really like to put up a show for others to twist the image of what they truly are. Some people will dress up really nice and pretend they're rich, others will dress up like gangsters and act like they're the baddest thing on the block, and others will just keep bending their image to blend in with the numerous crowds they want to hang with. It makes me sick to see these kinds of things. Why must you put on a face just to please or impress your peers? You've probably heard it several times and its totally true if you just be yourself people will like you. I'll admit that I used to put up a show to for certain people but that hasn't been for a couple of years. What makes me laugh the hardest is when guys put on a show for girls or vice versa. I see it happen all the time and I warn my friends about some people but they never seem to listen. So here it goes the guy acts really sweet to the girl and acts real gangster. Like he's a real smooth guy so they end up going out and the idiot gets dumped later cause the girl took how long to figure out he only wants to get in her pants or she just wants to mooch off him. What irritates me the most is how some of those wanna-be-gangsters come to my work place. Yeah thats right I have to deal with wanna-be-gangsters every now and then. But then again who doesn't have to deal with that kind of slime? Its the same old thing they'll come into the club and make like they're real cool, boss the kids around making like they run the joint, and then they leave to go smoke or something. Yeah thats real cool. Its cool to be a broke idiot with no future. I dunno well some of my friends including guy friends are always looking for someone to go out with. They always show me the "one" and I always tell them what's wrong with the choice. They never seem to listen and it always ends up with them dumping the "one". I haven't been seeing those so called "gangsters" at work lately but I see them around at times and I always cringe when I see them. Love is a very strange thing probably something I won't understand for a while.

At a Distance

I've always wondered why I've always felt at a distance from many people. Is it because I'm not used to working with people that don't meet my standards? Is it because people think I'll shoot them down cause they're not good enough? Or perhaps this distance is because of my half? I was wondering about this while I was bowling with the victory club today and I guess I've decided that it was more on my half. Growing up I've always been isolated. When I was a kid in elementary school I was never allowed to go over to a friends house or have a friend over mine. It was the same routine everyday go to school do my work and then go home. It wasn't until 8th grade that I started to get some freedom but by that time people were so used to me saying "I can't make it" that I never really got invited to much things anymore. I guess I've always felt at a distance from people cause I could never make that connection with other people that close friends have. Being sheltered in my house for more than half my life my social skills really suffered I mean when I was at home my parents would just tell me to be quiet and watch television. When I see close friends nowadays I wonder how they made that connection. I've always wondered how people just spill their life story and their problems to each other cause I've been bottling everything up over the years so when I hear people talking to each other about their problems I find it so weird. Now that I graduated high school I have a lot more freedom than I did back in the day. In fact I pretty much don't have a curfew and can do just about anything I want to. Lately I've been going out with friends and stuff but I still can't seem to make that connection with other people. I can make people laugh and we all enjoy ourselves when we go places but it's just so hard to make that deep connection with other people. I dunno but lately the church I've been going to has been helping make that connection with other people. Throughout the day I've been asked question that I really had to look into myself to answer and I think I'm starting to know what that deep everlasting connection feels like. I dunno I'm new to this so maybe someday I'll find that friend I can make that connection to. I guess for now I just have to have people keep prying me open so I won't always be at such a distance from other people.

Metamorphosis

So today I saw a butterfly flying while walking home after grad practice and it made me think about change. Change is so random I mean at first the butterfly started off as a caterpillar and as time flies by it turns into a butterfly. That's so random I mean if you never knew about the life cycle of a caterpillar you would never expect it to sprout wings and start flying around and stuff. After thinking about that metamorphosis though it started making me think about my high school life and how I changed like that caterpillar. In Freshman year I used to be such a shy person and I still am in a way but now I go on broadcast in front of the school almost everyday, I speak to business people at board meetings, I show my videos to people in my community. I never imagined myself talking to all of these people. I think what hit me the most was my friends though. I remember in Freshman year me, Gary, Arnel, and Sean used to be so close we were like the fantastic four (except we were all guys) we used to do everything together. These were the days where I actually looked forward to coming to school everyday. But I guess as times change so do people. Like our teacher predicted we split up and ended up barely talking to each other and it makes me wonder if this is what it'll be like with all my high school friends. Everyone is splitting up and going their own ways going on to fancy colleges across the U.S. It makes me kind of sick thinking about it but that's life I guess. We can't hold on to things forever and that's something I just can't accept. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned not really the type of person for change. Kind of like a republican I guess if you put it in political terms. I dunno I've always been afraid of change even though I know its for the best I'm always living in the past and thats one of the things that just keeps dragging me down in life. On the last few days of my high school career I looked at people I've known for years and everyone has changed a lot. Some made great changes and some made changes for the worse. I looked at myself and not much has changed. I always told myself that I'd be a better person, I'd be more outgoing, I'd be more confident in things, but I guess I've failed at those things. Everyone in the world is changing except me. I'm the same old kid from elementary just trapped in an aging body in an ever changing world. Someday I hope I'll change.

Brothers

I'm graduating on Saturday and that isn't too far from now. It got me thinking back on my high school years and the people that made the most impact on my life. Dang man then I started thinking about you. You've always been a great friend and I've always viewed you as you family. You were probably the closest thing to a brother that I have ever had. Throughout all the years that I've known you I always looked up to you. Whenever there was a situation you always seemed to know what to do and when to do it. Well at least in my eyes you did. You were the guy that I always wanted to be, you had the brains, you had the potential, you had the looks, you pretty much had everything that I wanted. It's so strange though how opposite we've become though. Like I said earlier you have the looks, the brains, and the resources to take you far. You could've went to an ivy league school no doubt about it full ride and everything if you tried but you didn't try. I started off with nothing, I don't have good looks, I'm not charming, everyone looks at me like the secondary character and yet I was accepted to all of these mainland universities. But where am I going? I'm going to UH for now. Why? Because I'm not like you I don't have the confidence to travel and all that. Now that I think of it though I should've went to a mainland school and I regret not starting on scholarships early because I could've been the one to go to some fancy school and get a fabulous degree. You didn't work on scholarships either but you know what the difference was? You knew about all of these scholarships way before time unlike myself where I found out last minute. You had everything you needed to make it far in life but you ignored those opportunities for parties and fun, opportunities and resources that I would've killed for. In the first few years I met you and the others we said we'd make it big. Now that I look at it I'm not too sure if that's possible anymore. I worked hard to get where I'm at and although I'm tired and dying out, I can't give up just not yet. Some people from our group will make it far while others dropped out of the race a long time ago but I'm going to be on that success train and I just hope you won't be the one waving goodbye to us on the platform while that train takes us away. I will get that degree and show everyone that you CAN get somewhere starting with nothing and I'll slap the faces of those who looked down upon me with my success. Many of the more educated people I talk to talk down about you a lot but I defend you and they just laugh. I hope that someday you'll be able to prove them wrong. We both have tired eyes from seeing reality for what it is. The only thing I'm sad about is that you saw the temptations coming but you decided to give into them. Sometimes when we talk you look disappointed like you've failed or something. We don't talk as often as we used to and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because you don't want me becoming like you? Or perhaps its because I'm a loser in your friend's eyes? Or perhaps I've just been a lousy friend all these years. I've always looked at you like a brother and I've always tried to walk in your footsteps but I guess this is the part where its time for us to split. I can't follow you forever because we both have our own ambitions to follow. You have a lot of potential and I hope someday you'll use that potential and become successful one day. Over the years we've really grown apart but I'll always see you as a brother. Like I said earlier you were probably the closest thing to a brother that I could've possible have and I just wanted to thank you for that. I'm not sure as to what your plans are now but I just wish the best of luck to you in whatever you plan on doing. The only thing I have left to say is you have the ability to see things better than other people if you used that vision and your talent for better purposes you'll make it far in life much farther than I could possible go. Good luck to you in life bro.

What a week

Dang I have a crap load of work waiting for me when I get back to school..... Study for AP Physics exam, study for Calculus tests, finish 2nd annual Saber Media show, finish 2009 youth of the year luncheon, create after effects intro for STN video, and make a fricken scrapbook! Ugh! It's the last quarter of the year and I don't understand why its the busiest for me. Oh well I guess this is how life is. Well anyway just got back from the CTE competition and we didn't place. I'm not disappointed at all though because we gave it our best shot and we still had fun with it. I wasn't too happy with my video I guess I'm starting to lose my creative touch to things but dang I'm getting better at color! I think I really enjoyed the close of shot of caslene's face looking out at the ocean I thought I hit the perfect color on that shot and I'm so proud of myself! I really learned something at this competition though. When you go into business there are going to be others who offer the same product and the exact same service so if you ever want to do great in this world you have to have something that really makes you stick out from the crowd. If I were to talk video terms I guess my colors would stick out the most but most people don't understand or appreciate the value of color in a video. I'm still trying to figure out what makes me stick out as an engineer. I'm not too sure but if I fail I'll always have video to fall back on. Oh yeah I wrestled with someone for a cookie on Sunday I can't believe I lost!

I love college

So I found myself eating lunch at Shiro's again thinking about my future. I had that song "I love college" stuck in my head. (Compliments of Heidi) I don't know I guess I just like the beat to it. The song has a real nice relaxed old school beat that I really like. But anyway it made me think about college. Gosh I haven't had much time to do scholarships cause deadlines come up so fast and there were a lot of scholarships that my councilor didn't tell me about. I was thinking about dorming at UH but it seems that I might have to stay home for college. $16,000 isn't something that just falls out of the sky and I'm waiting for the rest of my scholarships to be announced in may/june. All I have now is $7,000 a little under half way there. UH won't finish processing my papers until June so hopefully my grades and the rest of the scholarships can take care of the rest of my tuition. Hah if I'm having a hard time with this I feel bad for a lot of other people in my school because I know that many of them aren't going to college. A lot of those people include my friends I asked them if they're going to college and they said "No" I get mad at this because they're just throwing their lives away and we always used to talk about how we were going to be rich one day and have everything that we desired. But they don't understand, they're just so sick of school already. Well it looks like I'll be living that dream with not as many people as I thought I would. I can hardly believe it, back in the day some of my friends who were at my level or probably even smarter than me dropped to way below my level. Now they're drinking and smoking, skipping school, and all this other stupid stuff. It makes me sad to see people drop out of school. But hey I can't let them stop me from reaching my dreams. If my friends can't live their dreams then that's all the more reason for me to reach my own. If we can't live our dreams together then I'll have to live my dream alone sorry guys but I have a future waiting for me.

Taking advantage

So today while I was waiting for the bus to take me home this girl, probably one or two years older than me comes and starts asking people for a dollar for the bus and she actually received a dollar. Normally I wouldn't give it a second thought but today I got really irritated with it. It reminded me of a girl much like the one from the bus stop in school. I remember one time she asked me for a dollar to ride the bus and me knowing that she had a child and was the same age as me took pity and I ended up giving her that dollar out of the goodness of my heart. Then what do you know?! The next day I over hear that girl's conversation with someone else about how she asks people for a dollar when she already has money. Then she pulls out her wallet to show a wallet full of bills and this fricken irritated the crap out of me! I mean I can't believe that there are actually people out there that would take advantage of other people's kindness like that! But yeah I mean why would that girl at the bus stop be at pearlridge if she honestly didn't have a dollar? I got so irritated with those people for giving her that dollar and I just wanted to punch that girl in the face but whatever. All I know is that beggars will be beggars and that's all they'll ever be in life. People like that disgust me I mean I know we all need help at times and even I remember having to ask to borrow money at times too but I always paid them back. Those two girls will never make it in life and it irritates me to see that those kinds of people are walking around on this earth but whatever they'll just be another stepping stone that I'll shove into the dirt to reach my goals. Ugh just thinking about it gets me pissed off. But that's fine when everyone else gets their college degree and high paying jobs where will those two be? On the streets doing the only thing they are good at.... BEGGING!

Length of life

It seemed like I was waiting at the bus stop forever today when I was going to get fitted for my tux but that made me think about how sometimes life seems to move fast and at other times it moves slow. Then it got me thinking about this story I heard about two brothers and how one went on a journey in a rocket to space and came back 50 years later looking as young as he did when he left. It made me think about how people live different lengths but when you think about it we all live the same length. It's proven that the faster you move the slower you age. The aging process slows down at an almost insignificant rate but hey its longer right? Well anyway when you move slow and lounge around you obviously don't live that long but it feels like forever because time is moving so slow and when you are active you live longer but life moves a lot faster. So when you think about it I guess everyone lives the same length unless of course those that are ailed with disease or killed by another. In actual years we don't live the same length but I guess theoretically we do. Haha I dunno its just something I was thinking about today to pass the time. I'd love to live longer to see how the world changes but I'm more of the kind of person that likes to slow down and enjoy life unless of course I'm in a car then go! GO! GO! 

Decisions

So after giving it some thought I finally decided to go to prom. Paid for my bid on Friday and everything. It was a pretty tough decision because since I've been out of a job for about two months now my finances are just going straight down the drain. I haven't gone out with anyone for awhile now. Turns out that I'm going to have to pay for my deposits out of my own pocket and pay for prom myself as well. It was a really tough decision to make but my friends kept insisting that I go. If I really do have to pay for my own deposits then I'll be flat out broke by the end of the month.... haha I don't even have a date either not that I need one or could get one. I mean who'd want to go to prom with a guy that's thinner than them right? Ah and more financial problems too cause most of my friends are either driving there or catching a limo and they don't have any space. Found a really good deal on a private sedan though. $250 and a Lincoln Town car will bring me to prom with a two hour tour of waikiki before and after prom. I just wish I had someone to share that with but oh well prom should be special none the less. I also saw my friend old friend Carl at the community park today. We grew up together at the Boys and Girls club and man it really brightened my day to see him. I haven't seen the guy for like 5 years but that happiness in seeing him kind of faded as I noticed how faded his life was. Carl used to be hilarious we go and pull pranks on other people all day and laugh about it man those were the days. But the first thing that I noticed when I walked up to him was that he was smoking. My eyesight is kind of bad so I didn't notice it until I came up close but it was still good seeing him none the less. We started talking about old times and what we're up to he got a kick out of how thin I am cause he's a lot more muscular than I remember. Turns out though that he dropped out of school when he got to 10th grade. Its crazy how we have so much in common and yet we turned out so differently. Carl was in a situation pretty similar to mine. His parents were always treating him like crap no matter how well he did and that just made everything harder for him. That's one of the things that made us really close as kids the fact that we were treated like crap like everyday the only thing we didn't have in common was the way we dealt with that pain. How did he deal with it? By making others feel pain he could ease his own. He would pull pranks on others, make them feel like crap, steal from them, you know whatever gave him a good laugh. I was different though the way I dealt with it was by keeping it bottled up inside myself. I was always ashamed to tell others of my problems because of the fear that they would just laugh or judge me just like how it always was at home. It wasn't the healthiest way to deal with that pain but it was a way that worked for me. After a couple of years though Carl started to come to the club less until eventually he stopped coming and I lost contact with him. Turns out that things got so bad with his parents that he turned to drugs to relieve that pain. He told me that the more he did drugs the harder school got but it was one of the only ways he could escape the pain of going home. He said it got to the point where he was failing all of his classes and then he just gave up after that. He was talking about how he wished he turned out like me but I just laughed. It turns out that keeping my pain bottled up all these years are finally starting to take effect on me. I told him that yeah I'm doing great in school and people think I'm really smart and all but I have this social barrier between myself and other people. I was telling Carl that because I've gotten used to keeping my problems bottled up I never really learned how to make connections with other people which was always leaving me at a distance from others. That's why whenever I talk its only about work because I never learned how to make a real conversation with others. I'm not sure how to talk to others about my problems because I've been bottling it all up for 17 years now and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make that connection. Its weird how we share the same pain but a few decisions made us turn out so differently. Found out that he lives somewhere in Waianae he just came to visit the community park to reminisce about some things. I guess after all these years we still have a lot more in common than I thought.

Some pretty steep odds

So my boss.... well my ex-boss anyway... was talking to me today about college. He was telling me that money for college was a sure shot thing because only 10% of certain kinds of kids actually make it to college and only 1% of those certain kids actually receive a college degree. I've never really given it much thought but come to think of it now it's true. A lot of those kids are idiots. They don't care about school, they smoke, they drink, some even have kids of their own. But not me though I'm going to be that 1% I'll show the world that you don't have to come from a rich family to get a degree, that you don't need parents that have college degrees. I'll prove to society that you CAN go from rags to riches! Just wait and see when I get my Electrical Engineering degree I'll be driving a benz in no time and when that time comes the world will know that with determination and hard work ANYONE can make it life. I'm tired of being considered a 2nd rate character and tired of people judging me on a stereotype that was created by the worst of us. People think that I have a grudge against IB kids because I laugh at them and I nail them on the head when they don't do work. Well they're wrong they don't know what I think. To be honest I actually enjoy them. I just get irritated when they decide to waste their life and not turn in work. I guess this is because they sort of remind myself of me. IB classes are difficult and I'll give them props for taking it that's something that I was interested in but couldn't do because I'm a senior. They're like me because like myself they have a goal but they have all of these extremely difficult tasks waiting in front of them. I look at them like my family and I want them to get their diplomas as much as I want to get my Masters Degree and that's why I get mad or irritated or laugh at them when they don't do their work. It's not because I find it funny or that I don't like them its just that when they don't do their work they're getting further from their dreams. I won't tell them straight up how much I care but I really hope some of them get their act together and I'm really looking forward to seeing how some of them improve next year. As for me though I'm going to be that 1% just you wait and see. I'm going to break that stereotype and prove to the world that ANYONE can get a college degree and become successful in life no matter what your situations is!

Laughing

Haha well Katrina told me a few days ago that I seem to like to laugh at people. You know something? Come to think of it I do laugh at a lot of people! If I ever laughed at someone I'm terribly sorry I don't really mean to laugh at you I guess its just a stupid habit of mine. When I was in elementary and something bad happened to me all my parents would do was laugh about it. Yeah not exactly the right way to raise your kid and I used to cry about it too.... Well elementary wasn't exactly the best years of my life either cause there was always those stupid idiots that pick on just cause they're bigger or angry that you're smarter than them. I remember this one time all I did was look at a kid and he slammed me into the wall and clutched my neck and started twisting my head asking me what I was looking at. I didn't know the kid I didn't do anything to him and all I did was look at him for like one second. My parents drove up and the kid left and all they did was laugh about it. Growing up with a bunch of people that didn't care sort made me learn that attitude too. To be totally honest whenever I see people in pain I don't feel anything for them. I'll ask them if they're alright just to be nice but I won't feel bad for them. It's horrible but I guess its the result of being raised so badly. So why do I laugh at a lot of people? Well I guess you could say that it's just a bad habit that I picked up from bad parents. So if I ever seem rude to you or if it seems that I don't care, I apologize really I do! For once I wish I knew what it was like to care for someone or be cared for. When I see other people with people they care for they look so happy! I wish I had some people that I could feel that way towards or felt that way towards me. I always feel so empty around people but all I can do is laugh about it.......

Feeling the Pressure Yet?

The school year is finally coming to an end and things are starting to bite me harder than ever before. Sometimes I think I'm too laid back about certain things I mean my friends started worrying about scholarships way before I did while at the time I never even gave it a 2nd thought. I look at my friends now and some of them already received over $100,000 in scholarships! I'm going to go to UH for Electrical Engineering going to dorm there to beat traffic and parking and all that. It's going to cost me about 16 grand a year..... That's kind of hard to swallow especially because of my situation. I've only been working on scholarships recently and I haven't received any scholarships from UH yet. I did receive $20,000 from Trinity but I'm not going there. We find out who gets the scholarships in May so I'm really crossing my fingers on a lot of scholarships that I entered right now. I just sent in some stuff for UH so hopefully FAFSA helps me out a lot too. The stupid thing about this is that I know that I need the money but I'm not really feeling the sting of it yet. I guess I'm so used to accepting whatever happens that I forgot what it's like to really freak out about things but oh well. Freaking out isn't really my style I guess. For now I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see. When I look at other people I wonder how they can be so excited for things. I've never been the kind of person that gets rowdy and insane when my favorite team wins or really dramatic when something scary or bad happens. My teachers say that I'm a very stoic person but I've always wondered what it was like to act with so much emotion. Some people are gonna cry at gradation and some people will party like there's no tomorrow. I just wonder how I'll react to it. Maybe I'll stand there with my same bored and uncaring face? I don't know, all I know is that my engineering degree is going to take a lot of work.

Dreams

I think I had a pretty good spring break although I wish a spent more time of it with my friends rather than the kids at work. This weekend was pretty good though I went to D&B with Clarence and J.J. on Saturday. Fricken Clarence was talking about a lap dance he had at a club and kids were right next to him playing a game. So fricken hilarious! Haha! It's been so long since we hung out but he finished college along time ago so I guess his job just eats up his time. But anyway after that we went cruising in Waikiki and we passed a toy shop. We went inside to look around and I saw an action figure of my favorite villain from the show One Piece. It was of the Shichibukai Sir Crocodile. It reminded me of that one episode where he was fighting and Luffy told him that he wanted to be Pirate King. Crocodile laughed and said that "The longer you hold on to your dreams the more they seem to fade." I guess in some sense this is true. The longer you wait to take your dream the farther away it will get from you. This was something that I had to learn the hard way. Throughout my life I guess I've never really been the person to go out and take things but instead I waited for things to come my way. I really regret it because I know I could've had a lot of fabulous things but instead I ended up waiting too long and those dreams just faded away. Now I'm starting to take faster action to achieve what I want but old habits die hard sometimes I'm still a bit timid to do new things but I dunno. Its funny how I learn so much from the villains in the show maybe it means that I'll be a villain later as well? haha well I've never really been the heroic type.... But it got me thinking of my own dreams and ambitions will they ever come true? I don't know I guess I'll just have to live life through and see where I go from here. Everyone has dreams some have big dreams and some have small, some are short term and some are long. I see dreams get crushed everyday and it makes me wonder if my dreams will get crushed as well. We all can't have what we want but we're still entitled to some sort of happiness I wonder what will make me happy in the future? Some dreams come true and there are others that die. I guess I'm just afraid of what the future has in store for me.

Boiling Hate

Ah so today I went to Ala Moana with her. Not really something I was looking forward to but you know what? I went with her just for old times sake. I got up this morning thinking that this would just be another ordinary day until I realized that I had plans today. I kept telling myself that I'd keep my cool and that everything would be okay but as soon as I saw her drive into my driveway I started getting irritated. I guess just the sight of her makes my blood boil. I keep telling myself that I'll forgive her and that everything can go back to the way it used to be. I try and I try really hard to forgive but as soon as I see her and hear her voice I start getting angry. It was a really quiet car ride to Ala Moana she tried making a conversation but I shot it down with short and brief answers and she could tell I was still mad because I was talking with an irritated voice. It's been so long now and I keep telling myself what's done is done and that I should just forget it and move on but you want to know something? I can't. I can't do it. My boss who also happens to work at a church (he helps out at a catholic church I'm a Christian) told me that instead of hating people for what they've done in the past we should judge people by what they are doing in the present. I guess you could say that this is where God is really testing me but the sad thing is I fail the test every time God gives this to me. But yeah we ended up having lunch and dinner together and we went shopping for clothes and stuff. It was weird because I wanted to say something but my mouth stayed shut. She gave me $100 and I reluctantly took it she didn't want to take no for an answer. This just made me feel worse inside I wanted to forgive her but I couldn't every time I looked at her or heard her voice I just got more angry. After Ala Moana we went for a drive through Waikiki still not saying a word to each other. It was a really nice drive it kind of made me want to visit Japan because we saw a whole hoard of Japanese people running around Waikiki. After that we ate dinner at Gyotaku and she started talking to me about God. Again I got irritated but this time I cut her off and started yelling at her saying that she's told me that a million times! It's just one of the things that irritates me! She keeps repeating herself it's like she's a broken record on turbo mode or something. I know its not her fault that she's like that and it's not mine either but I dunno she just irritates me to the extreme. It was an early dinner actually because we left the restaurant at 6 and got stuck in stupid traffic when she was dropping me off home. Its not her fault that she is the way she is but I guess I just can't accept that or what she's done in the past. She's always trying to make up for it but for some reason I just can't accept her apology. I feel bad for how hard she's trying but you can't pay any amount of money to make up for what she's done but at the same time what's done is done but I just can't get over it. Today should've been fun but it was pretty miserable I felt irritated the entire day. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never been like this to anyone else in my entire life. I want so badly to forgiver her but I can't it just this boiling hate that's stopping me. I honestly don't know what I should do.

A reflection in the water

I finished work a bit early today, I ended up finishing at 1 P.M. I went mini golfing with some kids and stuff, kind of hectic cause those morons obviously can't follow simple directions but whatever. After work I decided to spend some time at the park because I guess today is one of those days where I just needed a couple of hours to myself. I felt like going somewhere quiet to think, to escape the world, to avoid other people, so I ended up going to one of the parks in Ocean Pointe. Its a really nice and quiet community where all the houses are the same (which kind of irritates me) but a really safe environment. There's this one Ocean Pointe park thats near the million dollar houses that I just love going to. The grass is lush, there's lots of shade, and people rarely go there so this is where I usually find myself going whenever I need some alone time, it's like my little get away spot. So I spent about two hours just lying in the shade and staring up at the clear blue sky and I had a really nice view of a tree which made me wish I had my camera.... I'll probably go camera shopping tomorrow because I saw a really nice Exilim for sale. Well anyway after lying in the grass for about two hours staring at the sky a dog ran up to my and starting crawling all over me, it kind of startled me but I started laughing about it. After that I decided to walk around a bit and then I started staring into a stream. The water was dirty but I like how the sun glistened off the water and I started staring at the water more and I was looking at my reflection in the water. But instead of just seeing my own reflection I saw three reflections. Haha no I don't do drugs and I don't drink either but instead of seeing just myself staring back at me I saw myself, Heidi, and Teuuila staring back at me. We were wearing black but I was standing a bit further from them and my black wasn't as dark as their black it was like this old faded black it looked as if it was worn out. I kind of stood there wondering what this meant to me but it didn't take me long to figure out what it was. I saw these reflections not because the heat was going to my head but because those reflections were not too different from my own. Well besides the boy girl difference anyone of those reflection probably could've been my own. It was kind of awkward but at the same time I think I knew what it meant. After talking to Heidi about something that she and Teuuila wanted to do I guess I sort of related that to myself because for one I have a score to settle too and that kind of stuff was something I had a passion for when I was younger. Yeah it used to be my life's blood but not so much anymore. I guess over the years I either got lazy or I just stopped caring about things and my passion for it just started to fade. Just like a black shirt at first it's dark but as you wear it continually overtime it starts to fade and wear out although if you care for it the right way it will stay as dark as the day you bought it. I was kind of surprised though because they way the two talked was kind of similar to the way I used to think back in elementary which is why their clothes were a darker black than mine. I guess they reminded me of me when I was younger. But the activity? Oh I'm totally down for it! Someone needs a good helping of punishment but then again at the same time I don't really care whether or not the person gets punished or not whatever. Gosh I can't think this blog turned out kind of junkie but whatever maybe I'll do a better job on the next one? It weird how you can see more than yourself in a reflection in the water.

The Hidden Part of the Deal

So I was taking a walk through my neighborhood today something that I usually find myself doing whenever I'm bored and have a free day and I saw the weirdest thing today. I saw a drunk lady walking down the road. Well she was either drunk or high I don't know. Well anyway she was walking down the same side walk I was and she was really wobbly and she was laughing and muttering to herself and that made me wonder why people drink and do drugs. Either today was a special occasion or she just has a lot of problems because I haven't seen anyone like that in a long while. I'll admit that life gets pretty hard at times and I even find myself wishing I could just escape the world and forget about all my problems even if it was just for a minute but is that one minute of bliss really worth drinking and doing drugs? I mean sure you can forget about all your problems for a couple of minutes hey maybe even a couple of hours if you go far enough but the price you have to pay is far greater than the pains of reality that you are trying to escape from. I remember as a young child there used to be tons of anti drugs and drinking commercials and one talked about how with every cigarette you smoke you chop off about a couple of days or so of your life. I believe one pack is equivalent to one or two months or something like that. Well anyway no matter how drunk or high you get you'll always have to pay the price in the end. I guess you can compare this to a restaurant you can sit there and eat and eat and not worry about a thing but no matter how much you eat or how long you take you're always going to receive your bill in the end. This is true for drinking and smoking, no matter how high or drunk you get you'll end up paying for it. The price you ask? Well that depends on how much you did but I guess you can expect a couple of years chopped off from your life. It's such a ridiculous deal I don't see why some people take it. I mean a few minutes of bliss in exchange for a couple of months of their life. It's like borrowing money with 400% interest, not even worth it. But I guess to some people it is worth it, just to escape from reality even just for a few minutes. Some people would consider it "fun" others would say its the only way they can handle life but you know something? I don't think I'll ever drink or do drugs I learned to see beyond those illusions because one of the big rules in business is to look for every single flaw in the deal possible including that hidden part of the deal.

My Love for Color

After I thought about dating and stuff I started thinking about how my love for color started. I remember it started over the summer at Seariders. This was like back in the day when I couldn't edit for crap, I was knew to video I barely knew what I was doing but I remember it so clearly. Like on of the first few days we got into mixed groups I was working with Bird, Heidi, and Sean. So our first assignment was to make a 30 sec spoof using music from a collection that John picked. So we did a video about Bird being like this wind up toy (we dressed him in a paper tutu and everything). So how it went was Heidi came and wound up Bird and he would jump out of the box and start dancing to the music and then we showed all these other people dancing with him. When it came to the editing though thats when it all started.  I guess I forgot to white balance the camera cause the because the footage was yellow. At the time I didn't know how to fix it and you should've seen the look on Heidi's face she looked so disappointed and I felt so dumb. After a while I guess Heidi just gave up on the video and I spent like a hour or so trying to figure out how to do a white balance with a color corrector (which I can do like nothing now) until John came and helped me out. He showed me how simple it was and I felt even dumber but Heidi seemed to perk up after it was fixed. Well anyway that experience made me feel so ashamed of myself I said that no matter what I would master color correction and that would never happen to me again! Well I think I've kept my word on that because I've gone far deeper into color correction than anyone in the history of James Campbell high I can even color correct better than John now (I think). I've gotten to the point where I can make anything look like a film style video (not to brag or anything) I'm so proud of myself! But yeah I guess a lot of my success in color is credited to Heidi if she didn't look so disappointed I guess I would never have pushed myself to go so in depth into color. So thanks Heidi! I owe you a lot! If it hadn't been for you I wouldn't have made it so far in color and I'm pretty sure that my color style is what helped me win some of my video awards. I just wish I knew how I could pay you back. Who would've thought that my love for color would come from a disappointed face?

Dating?

Haha! So I spent my day playing Pokemon Platinum and I thought I should make a blog about something cause I haven't done so in a while. So while I sat here playing my game I started to wonder "What does a girl look for in a guy? and what does a guy look for in a girl?" To tell you the truth I've never really thought of it until now. Like when a girl and a guy like each other how do they know? and What do they say? I never really think about it because I'm always occupied with some kind of work. After thinking about this I realized how many chances at this kind of thing I had. I guess I feel kind of dumb because I had a lot of opportunities to have a girlfriend but I never really knew they liked me until WAY too late. Its funny cause I'm so smart in school wise things like math but when it comes to girlfriends and dates and stuff I'm like a brain-dead monkey! But oh well I guess the time will come when God thinks I'm ready. I asked some of my friends what its like going out with someone and they all tell me the same thing. "It's alright" they say "There's ups and downs to it." But when I see people fighting and cheating on each other I'm sort of glad that I'm not involved in that kind of stuff. I remember when I was talking a little bit about it with Sean and he told me that sometimes he jealous of me cause sometimes its just too much of a hassle and causes too much problems. I dunno well I guess I don't really need one cause I'm constantly working all the time but it'd be nice to know what it's like. But then again that'd only be more work for me I guess. After seeing what my friends go through I guess I'm not really all that excited to find a date and stuff.

Behind that ugly mask is an uglier person

Today was a GREAT DAY!!!!! Yeah Sam, Ash, and Britt really brightened my day today. But something kind of irritated me later but I guess if I mentioned it that would be bad on my end. Well anyway after I left I went back to Ramiscal's class to eat some chicken nuggets compliments of the triple threat :D While I ate I was really thinking about how fake some people can be. I always thought to myself about how irritating it is to see a bunch of people wearing ugly masks to hide their ugly faces! Now when I say ugly I mean personality wise because I wouldn't consider myself to be that handsome :P Well anyway I was sitting there thinking how funny that wearing those masks are! When you are watching them from the outside you can really see how hideous they are! When they are all together they wear their masks especially when there's other people around but when one person leaves the group even for just a bit they take their ugly masks off and start talking crap about that person and then when that person comes back everyone is friends again! Until of course the next person leaves then its time talk talk crap about them.... Its kinda funny how they all talk crap about each other but when everyone is in the group they're all the best of friends! Yahahahaha! Mmmm yes and according to these masked people I apparently have a GIANT EGO. Well let me explain something, it may look like I have a big ego but if you really knew me then you'd know that I'm joking when I get big headed. Its just a way to get my hyped up for something. I mean if you really think I'm big headed then why don't you do the job better than me and shut me down? Haha! I used to get mad about it but then I figured that those masked people are just jealous. Why? Cause they can't do a better job. Ahahahaha! I guess there goes my "BIG EGO" again but then again I've been showing what I can do! What have those people done? They ran and hid behind someone because they can't face reality. It really disgusts me. But oh well. You can't hide from reality forever because it'll wait for you to take that mask off for as long as it has to. It'll sit there and wait 100 years if necessary but I guess some people would rather wear a mask than take life for what it truly is. Everyday day that passes the poison gets worse. Its way too late for an antidote the poison worked its way to their bones. Some people can be cured but others can't. The longer you stay poisoned the uglier you get. Its sad but its true.

The Grace of an Angel and the Laziness of a Sloth

So today I didn't really have anything to do cause I sent in my 11 entries for youth exchange along with Kaycee's recycling entry so I decided to treat myself to a good lunch for a job well done. I ended up going to Ninja Sushi cause I was craving some noodles. So I sat there eating and thinking back on some old times and I remembered this one time in elementary that I went to Ice Palace I saw an old man skating and when I say old I mean like wrinkly grandpa old. The kind of old where it looked like his leg was gonna snap in half at any moment. At first I was really worried because I thought he might fall and hurt himself but to my amazement he was jumping and doing twirls in the air and all sorts of tricks! The first time I saw him twirl in the air I think my heart skipped a couple of beats because I thought he would fall over but no! He landed with such precision and grace it kind of made me forget how old the guy was. I guess it shows that your body can get old but your grace is something that's eternal. Remembering this made me think about someone that I see almost everyday. He graduated school last year and he doesn't have a job. What does he do you ask? He plays video games at the club all day. I honestly don't know how a person can just throw their life away like that! If I was in a situation where I wasn't able to pay for college I would be busting my butt instead living the pathetic life of a jobless person who still depends on their parents. I mean its cool to ask you parents for help because we all need help in some point in my life and I'm pretty sure that I'll need it too but still I believe he should at least get a job and help his parents out a bit. I don't I honestly don't know how some people can handle being so helpless like that! Some people don't have a choice because of certain conditions but for the people that do have a choice and can do something about it really irritates me. The finest riches in the world don't just fall into your lap you have to go out there and find it and earn it. Well whatever there are somethings that I will probably never understand. Having a hard life isn't a choice but making you life better is. I don't know about that guy but I'm choosing to make my life better..... I'm going to college and I'll get my degree!!!

Relaxing day

Hahahaha! Today was a surprisingly good day :P Went to Farrells with Heidi and Shanese... No one from campbell could go so yeah... but it was freakin hilarious! Stupid farells! Their ice-cream made me sick for like half an hour or so! After that we went all over the mall looking at stuff and then we went to Ross to try on some clothes.... HAHAHA! Look at my new picture I look like a diva! xD I tried on high heels for the first time and I gotta give props to girls that can stand in them all day cause its fricken hard! After that we went looking at random garbage and we found some HUGE shoes!!!!!! The shoe had to have been like twice the size of my foot! I guess I know where the green giant buys his shoes :P After that we went to hot topic and was talking about spikey underwear and stuff then it was time to go home. I picked up Fire Emblem for my cousin and I pre ordered Pokemon Platinum!!!! Hahaha! It comes out on the 22nd I can't wait! Time for some old school pokemon punishment! Well today was fantastic I really had fun with Heidi and Shanese too bad the others couldn't come it would've been way more hilarious!

The Timeless Beauty of Colors

It wasn't until recently that I started to truly appreciate the beauty of color. Haha! So a couple days ago Ira watched my traffic safety video and commented on how "professional" the color looked.... HAHA! Yeah that kind of made my day and it got me thinking too about how much of a difference a bunch of colors can make. As time passes I'm getting way better at color correcting and I can tell because I looked at some of my old videos and noticed how horrible the color was. I touched it up last night and compared the two and the color now makes the video look WAY better! Its amazing what colors can do for your video! Yeah and today Ramiscal was telling me about how its good that I have advance color skills because its better to make your footage look cleaner than to cover it up with after effects..... Ahahaha! So it seems that I have an ace up my sleeve for future competitions :P But it really hit me when I ate lunch at Shiro's today. As I sat there and stared out the window I was looking a tree at a very nice angle and I noticed how rich the colors were. I dunno it must of been the lighting from outside but I'm starting to see the kinds of colors people want to see when they watch videos. I kind of stared at the tree for about five minutes appreciating how rich the colors looked. For some reason it didn't look like just ordinary colors today it looked like something that couldn't be caught on film and I think I know what I need to work towards when I color correct. I guess my eyes are finally being opened to the timeless beauty of colors.

The more I think about it

You know the more I think about it the more I really don't want to go..... At first I was thinking "YEAH!!! It'll be so great!!!!" But now as time passes I'm starting to believe that I don't want to go through with it.... When I was first given the offer I thought it would be fabulous because there was people there that I could get along with you know? People that actually accept me and people that I can have fun with. But as time passed I guess the circumstances changed and now it seems that its only getting worse! There's nothing that feels worse than being in a place where you feel awkward, a place that you have no one that you can really connect with. Can you imagine being in a place where all the people you are with are in one social group and you aren't apart of it? That awkward boringness is kind of giving me second thoughts I mean this is an opportunity that I was really looking forward to but what's the point if I'm not gonna have fun right? Like I need to be in a place where people only think of themselves rather than think of the group. I'll admit that I get greedy at times but I always try and act in a way that will benefit the group. A certain someone told me that I'm too nice of a guy....... I guess thats true but not all the time cause some people can really bring out my horrible side. I just hope it doesn't get to that point because the last time I was pushed over my boiling point I kind of got into really DEEP trouble...... Well I guess we'll see where this goes from here.....

The Price of Love

So on Valentine's day I found out what the true price of love is. Nowadays you hear people tell each other "I love you" every single day but do they really mean it? On Valentine's day my cousin Jay got married to his sweetheart Coco. They got married at the Hilton Prince Kuhio. The wedding was great I had a lot of fun there had to have been at least 300 people there because trust me it was packed to the MAX! So I was over at Jay's house today finishing my calculus homework when I over heard him talking to my aunty (his mom) about some stuff while he and Coco was opening the envelopes that they received from family and friends. In total they received about $15,000 and at first I was like "WOAH!!!!!" but when I turned to look at his face he and Coco didn't seem too happy. After listening to the conversation a bit further I found out that the wedding cost $29,000! And that's when it hit me in the gut...... I didn't give them anything. After that realization I felt so horrible! I can't believe it slipped my mind! They looked a bit down because neither parents had enough to cover the remainder of the cost..... Saying "I love you" to someone is easy because its free but the fact is that the cost of true love is no where near "free" you might think that saying "I love you" to someone and giving them a fake smile is considered love but its not. Love is something you have to pay for I mean sure maybe you won't be paying $29,000, you don't have to buy them fancy gifts, or get them a car, the only thing you'll have to pay is commitment. To truly love someone you have to commit time to them to ensure the best for them and thats something that I learned from this. Although he knew he probably wouldn't have enough to pay for the wedding Jay got married anyway to show that being with the person you love is way more important than being in debt. I know that we had our differences before but this is something that I truly respect Jay for because to make a sacrifice like that is something that most people are to weak to do. The next time I see him I'll have to remember to give him a card with some money. My memories with Jay might not have been the greatest but I want to help him in whatever way I can because he showed me what the true price of love is.

Day off at SP

So yesterday we finally had a waiver day! A break from calculus, physics, and video. So I ended up going to Waianae High School to go and visit some of my old SP friends from over the summer. I thought it was pretty cool how there were lots of people that were still happy to see me. I ended up arriving there at like 10:30 their schedule is so different from ours..... So I was just relaxing in John's class for 2nd and 3rd period were I saw people like Lindsey, Sam, Ash, Teuuil, Cody, Randon, Jane, Colby (the list goes on forever) I guess I came on the wrong day though cause they were really busy and most of them were stressing while some of the others finished work early so we sat there and read the newspaper together and stuff and Aaron and I were talking about old times at SP. Its so weird to because its not like Ramiscal's class were Ramiscal would take the time to teach the students some things its like they walk into class and they start working. SO WEIRD!!!!! (Normally Ramiscal would have to say it a couple time to get the kids working) Well after that during 4th I went to O'Conner's class and hung out with some of the animation people like Heidi, Tracy, Casey, Mel, Bird (The list goes on forever again) but yeah. It's good to see that no one changed Heidi and Tracy were being their same hilarious selves. Heidi was showing me some of her mad animation skills and being a Heidi and Tracy was talking about dinosaurs and tar LOL!. Oh and Seanzo ended up coming too! That was like a double treat! cause he's usually so busy and stuff. I was surprised to see that his eyes were darker than mine! And Janae told me that my eyes were black so maybe I need more sleep :P Being with my SP friends made me think of how boring it is back at home cause the people in our schools are so different. They're a lot more judgemental... Like if you don't dress or act a certain way they won't really accept you unlike SP where everyone is pretty much cool with everyone.... I try to have fun at school like I have fun at SP but the people just aren't the same. I dunno Sean and I are supposed to plan something out with our SP friends for next week but I don't know how thats going to go. But seeing our SP friends again really made my day! The next time we visit though I just hope Heidi doesn't make me smell like berries again cause the haircut lady was giving me weird looks :P Overall it was a really great day I give it 7 out of 5 stars. Would've been 10 but we didn't have time to do exciting stuff.

Opportunities

Oh finally! I finally finished Jamaica's revised video! She looked pretty happy about it so that got me happy about it too I worked really hard on that video.... I can't believe the color render alone took 140 GB :P Knowing that I'm done with it kind of brightened my day cause thats a big load off my shoulders.... Speaking of taking a big load off your shoulders today I was thinking about why is it that the most laziest people seem to get the easiest and most rewarding jobs? Sometimes I get really irritated at the fact that I'm always getting the hardest and most boring jobs! I mean sure maybe its not like manual labor jobs but still its painstaking and down right irritating! I sit there working hard on something while someone else gets a quick and easy job and gets paid for it while I on the other hand get nothing for all the time that I put into my job! Its really stupid how things like this works out that way. It happens to me like ALL THE TIME! I know that the hardest jobs are the most rewarding but you know I wish I could get an easy reward job sometimes too you know? I mean why should lazy bums get an easy reward while I'm working my but off for something thats not even close to as great as what they're getting? In fact not too long ago I watched as someone received an easy job and got like $80 for it.... Its okay I guess cause I didn't have the time for it.... But still why was it offered to someone else when I deserved an opportunity like that way more? I don't mean to talk down on the people that I'm doing the video for because whether they pay me or not I'll always put my best effort into making the video the best quality possible. Its just that all these business opportunities are just passing me by and going to everyone else..... And today Ramiscal told me that my bad attitude is starting to show and talked to me about some other things..... Yeah its true that my bad attitude is starting to show but I guess I'm just starting to get tired of how things are.... Everyday I see people just sitting there doing nothing and all of these fabulous things just fall into their lap like new cars, clothes, and money, while I have to work myself to the bone for every little thing that I own! I hardly have time to go out and have fun like everyone else cause I'm constantly working...... Shoots I would be happy if I had the time to go out and buy socks, watch a movie, or even go out to lunch with some friends but I just don't have that luxury.... You know sometimes I wish that just once something fabulous could fall into my lap...... I've been hoping for something like that to come for years but nothing ever came......

Talk about irritating

You wanna know what I find really irritating? Those fools that go to church and make like they live by the Bible's teachings. I mean don't get me wrong I have nothing against church cause I go every so often myself but its just a certain type of people that go that irritate me. I really hate it when those certain people talk about how they are "drama free" and tell people what they are doing wrong with their life and how they should live it. But what a surprise? As soon as you turn your back what happens? You hear them squabbling at other people and making BIG dramas out of the stupidest things in the world. I believe that its good to try and live by the Bible's teachings but when you preach about it to others and be a total hypocrite to what you are teaching about that just irritates the crap out of me!!!! I have to deal with it like every week at school I hear people talking about living a better life and some of those idiots even preach to me at times!!!! I hope they get punished for lying like that! For putting on that fake mask and taking it off like a day or so later! How can they say they LOVE GOD and live by the Bible when they can't even do that for more than a day? Its really stupid how some people think that they are righteous people when in reality they are more rotten than the people they are trying to preach to? Oh goodness there are so many things that irritate me at campbell sometimes I wonder why those waianae kids untied me from that chair..... sometimes I wish that they would've never let me go :P lol I miss working with them....

Cram week

So today I found out that we don't have school tomorrow thanks to a storm or something which was a HUGE relief for me cause I need to cram like three videos this weekend, especially ISA which went pretty well today thanks to Antonio and Awear.... It was kinda scary seeing Antonio running around with a knife and stuff but I'm so sure that this video is going to do good! Besides videos I have some scholarships and stuff that I have to cram to so a day off tomorrow was very appreciated. But other than that I decided to be a nice guy and bail out my two favorite IB people Aysia and Ashely..... It was kinda funny seeing them freak out about the video but luckily for them I felt like being nice...... Kinda sucked in the end too cause Ash told me the music was too loud on the video..... I sorta forgot to adjust the music level before I exported.... Well I'm going to have quite the busy four day weekend..... I also have to finish some videos that I'm going to present at a board meeting next week.... but at least I have the club and the STN dinner to look forward to!

Neighborhood dinner

So today we were supposed to film the neighborhood board but turns out that some moron forgot his keys. I didn't think of it as a loss though cause I did get to log and capture and stuff. I was kind of happy too cause that meant that I didn't have to deal with um yeah.... After that I had dinner with Rams, Awear, and Camps it was pretty peaceful. Awear was having some problems and Camps was comforting her (I think) I just sat there wishing I had more to say to them but I couldn't think of anything. This made me realize how I can never start things like conversations. I guess thats just how I am cause someone always starts something at the club and I'm there to make a riot out of it and we all have so much fun but I never talk unless someone talks to me. Thats something I think I'll need to work on.... not being the supporting character but the main character for once. I dunno I always see people having so much fun in school and stuff I just wish I could be apart of the fun too.... Which reminds me that song "Float On" by Modest Mouse really reminds me of how I should enjoy life as much as I can.... Sometimes I think I work too much but then I look at Camps and Awear and how much they do...... Maybe I'm just getting lazy or something :P

winter break

Winter break was a lot more boring than I expected to be. I guess this is because I have to work full time at the club. I really wanted to do some fun things with my friends but my job is just eating up all my time. I mean sure I get to go on field trips with the kids but I'm just sitting there at work while all of my friends are out there having fun..... in fact they just went hiking today at I forgot where..... The kids there are hilarious in fact today I watched them bury each other in the sand and I was just waiting for high tide to come in...... Kinda sucks though cause I really wanted to see Ash and the others again but I guess they had to enjoy hiking without me... well at least I know I'll be getting some money..... Another thing that sucks too is that I never seem to be able to get that perfect video team I was always dreaming of... Everyone just seems to be so busy but I guess being a one man trio isn't that bad right? I need to shoot three commercials before school starts and I have a HUGE pile of paper work just waiting for me at work. Well I'm getting paid for it so I guess I can't complain..... oh and another thing too I saw the most HILARIOUS talking moose tied to a car in the world!