I love college

So I found myself eating lunch at Shiro's again thinking about my future. I had that song "I love college" stuck in my head. (Compliments of Heidi) I don't know I guess I just like the beat to it. The song has a real nice relaxed old school beat that I really like. But anyway it made me think about college. Gosh I haven't had much time to do scholarships cause deadlines come up so fast and there were a lot of scholarships that my councilor didn't tell me about. I was thinking about dorming at UH but it seems that I might have to stay home for college. $16,000 isn't something that just falls out of the sky and I'm waiting for the rest of my scholarships to be announced in may/june. All I have now is $7,000 a little under half way there. UH won't finish processing my papers until June so hopefully my grades and the rest of the scholarships can take care of the rest of my tuition. Hah if I'm having a hard time with this I feel bad for a lot of other people in my school because I know that many of them aren't going to college. A lot of those people include my friends I asked them if they're going to college and they said "No" I get mad at this because they're just throwing their lives away and we always used to talk about how we were going to be rich one day and have everything that we desired. But they don't understand, they're just so sick of school already. Well it looks like I'll be living that dream with not as many people as I thought I would. I can hardly believe it, back in the day some of my friends who were at my level or probably even smarter than me dropped to way below my level. Now they're drinking and smoking, skipping school, and all this other stupid stuff. It makes me sad to see people drop out of school. But hey I can't let them stop me from reaching my dreams. If my friends can't live their dreams then that's all the more reason for me to reach my own. If we can't live our dreams together then I'll have to live my dream alone sorry guys but I have a future waiting for me.

Taking advantage

So today while I was waiting for the bus to take me home this girl, probably one or two years older than me comes and starts asking people for a dollar for the bus and she actually received a dollar. Normally I wouldn't give it a second thought but today I got really irritated with it. It reminded me of a girl much like the one from the bus stop in school. I remember one time she asked me for a dollar to ride the bus and me knowing that she had a child and was the same age as me took pity and I ended up giving her that dollar out of the goodness of my heart. Then what do you know?! The next day I over hear that girl's conversation with someone else about how she asks people for a dollar when she already has money. Then she pulls out her wallet to show a wallet full of bills and this fricken irritated the crap out of me! I mean I can't believe that there are actually people out there that would take advantage of other people's kindness like that! But yeah I mean why would that girl at the bus stop be at pearlridge if she honestly didn't have a dollar? I got so irritated with those people for giving her that dollar and I just wanted to punch that girl in the face but whatever. All I know is that beggars will be beggars and that's all they'll ever be in life. People like that disgust me I mean I know we all need help at times and even I remember having to ask to borrow money at times too but I always paid them back. Those two girls will never make it in life and it irritates me to see that those kinds of people are walking around on this earth but whatever they'll just be another stepping stone that I'll shove into the dirt to reach my goals. Ugh just thinking about it gets me pissed off. But that's fine when everyone else gets their college degree and high paying jobs where will those two be? On the streets doing the only thing they are good at.... BEGGING!

Length of life

It seemed like I was waiting at the bus stop forever today when I was going to get fitted for my tux but that made me think about how sometimes life seems to move fast and at other times it moves slow. Then it got me thinking about this story I heard about two brothers and how one went on a journey in a rocket to space and came back 50 years later looking as young as he did when he left. It made me think about how people live different lengths but when you think about it we all live the same length. It's proven that the faster you move the slower you age. The aging process slows down at an almost insignificant rate but hey its longer right? Well anyway when you move slow and lounge around you obviously don't live that long but it feels like forever because time is moving so slow and when you are active you live longer but life moves a lot faster. So when you think about it I guess everyone lives the same length unless of course those that are ailed with disease or killed by another. In actual years we don't live the same length but I guess theoretically we do. Haha I dunno its just something I was thinking about today to pass the time. I'd love to live longer to see how the world changes but I'm more of the kind of person that likes to slow down and enjoy life unless of course I'm in a car then go! GO! GO! 

Decisions

So after giving it some thought I finally decided to go to prom. Paid for my bid on Friday and everything. It was a pretty tough decision because since I've been out of a job for about two months now my finances are just going straight down the drain. I haven't gone out with anyone for awhile now. Turns out that I'm going to have to pay for my deposits out of my own pocket and pay for prom myself as well. It was a really tough decision to make but my friends kept insisting that I go. If I really do have to pay for my own deposits then I'll be flat out broke by the end of the month.... haha I don't even have a date either not that I need one or could get one. I mean who'd want to go to prom with a guy that's thinner than them right? Ah and more financial problems too cause most of my friends are either driving there or catching a limo and they don't have any space. Found a really good deal on a private sedan though. $250 and a Lincoln Town car will bring me to prom with a two hour tour of waikiki before and after prom. I just wish I had someone to share that with but oh well prom should be special none the less. I also saw my friend old friend Carl at the community park today. We grew up together at the Boys and Girls club and man it really brightened my day to see him. I haven't seen the guy for like 5 years but that happiness in seeing him kind of faded as I noticed how faded his life was. Carl used to be hilarious we go and pull pranks on other people all day and laugh about it man those were the days. But the first thing that I noticed when I walked up to him was that he was smoking. My eyesight is kind of bad so I didn't notice it until I came up close but it was still good seeing him none the less. We started talking about old times and what we're up to he got a kick out of how thin I am cause he's a lot more muscular than I remember. Turns out though that he dropped out of school when he got to 10th grade. Its crazy how we have so much in common and yet we turned out so differently. Carl was in a situation pretty similar to mine. His parents were always treating him like crap no matter how well he did and that just made everything harder for him. That's one of the things that made us really close as kids the fact that we were treated like crap like everyday the only thing we didn't have in common was the way we dealt with that pain. How did he deal with it? By making others feel pain he could ease his own. He would pull pranks on others, make them feel like crap, steal from them, you know whatever gave him a good laugh. I was different though the way I dealt with it was by keeping it bottled up inside myself. I was always ashamed to tell others of my problems because of the fear that they would just laugh or judge me just like how it always was at home. It wasn't the healthiest way to deal with that pain but it was a way that worked for me. After a couple of years though Carl started to come to the club less until eventually he stopped coming and I lost contact with him. Turns out that things got so bad with his parents that he turned to drugs to relieve that pain. He told me that the more he did drugs the harder school got but it was one of the only ways he could escape the pain of going home. He said it got to the point where he was failing all of his classes and then he just gave up after that. He was talking about how he wished he turned out like me but I just laughed. It turns out that keeping my pain bottled up all these years are finally starting to take effect on me. I told him that yeah I'm doing great in school and people think I'm really smart and all but I have this social barrier between myself and other people. I was telling Carl that because I've gotten used to keeping my problems bottled up I never really learned how to make connections with other people which was always leaving me at a distance from others. That's why whenever I talk its only about work because I never learned how to make a real conversation with others. I'm not sure how to talk to others about my problems because I've been bottling it all up for 17 years now and I'm not sure if I'll ever be able to make that connection. Its weird how we share the same pain but a few decisions made us turn out so differently. Found out that he lives somewhere in Waianae he just came to visit the community park to reminisce about some things. I guess after all these years we still have a lot more in common than I thought.

Some pretty steep odds

So my boss.... well my ex-boss anyway... was talking to me today about college. He was telling me that money for college was a sure shot thing because only 10% of certain kinds of kids actually make it to college and only 1% of those certain kids actually receive a college degree. I've never really given it much thought but come to think of it now it's true. A lot of those kids are idiots. They don't care about school, they smoke, they drink, some even have kids of their own. But not me though I'm going to be that 1% I'll show the world that you don't have to come from a rich family to get a degree, that you don't need parents that have college degrees. I'll prove to society that you CAN go from rags to riches! Just wait and see when I get my Electrical Engineering degree I'll be driving a benz in no time and when that time comes the world will know that with determination and hard work ANYONE can make it life. I'm tired of being considered a 2nd rate character and tired of people judging me on a stereotype that was created by the worst of us. People think that I have a grudge against IB kids because I laugh at them and I nail them on the head when they don't do work. Well they're wrong they don't know what I think. To be honest I actually enjoy them. I just get irritated when they decide to waste their life and not turn in work. I guess this is because they sort of remind myself of me. IB classes are difficult and I'll give them props for taking it that's something that I was interested in but couldn't do because I'm a senior. They're like me because like myself they have a goal but they have all of these extremely difficult tasks waiting in front of them. I look at them like my family and I want them to get their diplomas as much as I want to get my Masters Degree and that's why I get mad or irritated or laugh at them when they don't do their work. It's not because I find it funny or that I don't like them its just that when they don't do their work they're getting further from their dreams. I won't tell them straight up how much I care but I really hope some of them get their act together and I'm really looking forward to seeing how some of them improve next year. As for me though I'm going to be that 1% just you wait and see. I'm going to break that stereotype and prove to the world that ANYONE can get a college degree and become successful in life no matter what your situations is!

Laughing

Haha well Katrina told me a few days ago that I seem to like to laugh at people. You know something? Come to think of it I do laugh at a lot of people! If I ever laughed at someone I'm terribly sorry I don't really mean to laugh at you I guess its just a stupid habit of mine. When I was in elementary and something bad happened to me all my parents would do was laugh about it. Yeah not exactly the right way to raise your kid and I used to cry about it too.... Well elementary wasn't exactly the best years of my life either cause there was always those stupid idiots that pick on just cause they're bigger or angry that you're smarter than them. I remember this one time all I did was look at a kid and he slammed me into the wall and clutched my neck and started twisting my head asking me what I was looking at. I didn't know the kid I didn't do anything to him and all I did was look at him for like one second. My parents drove up and the kid left and all they did was laugh about it. Growing up with a bunch of people that didn't care sort made me learn that attitude too. To be totally honest whenever I see people in pain I don't feel anything for them. I'll ask them if they're alright just to be nice but I won't feel bad for them. It's horrible but I guess its the result of being raised so badly. So why do I laugh at a lot of people? Well I guess you could say that it's just a bad habit that I picked up from bad parents. So if I ever seem rude to you or if it seems that I don't care, I apologize really I do! For once I wish I knew what it was like to care for someone or be cared for. When I see other people with people they care for they look so happy! I wish I had some people that I could feel that way towards or felt that way towards me. I always feel so empty around people but all I can do is laugh about it.......

Feeling the Pressure Yet?

The school year is finally coming to an end and things are starting to bite me harder than ever before. Sometimes I think I'm too laid back about certain things I mean my friends started worrying about scholarships way before I did while at the time I never even gave it a 2nd thought. I look at my friends now and some of them already received over $100,000 in scholarships! I'm going to go to UH for Electrical Engineering going to dorm there to beat traffic and parking and all that. It's going to cost me about 16 grand a year..... That's kind of hard to swallow especially because of my situation. I've only been working on scholarships recently and I haven't received any scholarships from UH yet. I did receive $20,000 from Trinity but I'm not going there. We find out who gets the scholarships in May so I'm really crossing my fingers on a lot of scholarships that I entered right now. I just sent in some stuff for UH so hopefully FAFSA helps me out a lot too. The stupid thing about this is that I know that I need the money but I'm not really feeling the sting of it yet. I guess I'm so used to accepting whatever happens that I forgot what it's like to really freak out about things but oh well. Freaking out isn't really my style I guess. For now I guess I'll just have to wait it out and see. When I look at other people I wonder how they can be so excited for things. I've never been the kind of person that gets rowdy and insane when my favorite team wins or really dramatic when something scary or bad happens. My teachers say that I'm a very stoic person but I've always wondered what it was like to act with so much emotion. Some people are gonna cry at gradation and some people will party like there's no tomorrow. I just wonder how I'll react to it. Maybe I'll stand there with my same bored and uncaring face? I don't know, all I know is that my engineering degree is going to take a lot of work.

Dreams

I think I had a pretty good spring break although I wish a spent more time of it with my friends rather than the kids at work. This weekend was pretty good though I went to D&B with Clarence and J.J. on Saturday. Fricken Clarence was talking about a lap dance he had at a club and kids were right next to him playing a game. So fricken hilarious! Haha! It's been so long since we hung out but he finished college along time ago so I guess his job just eats up his time. But anyway after that we went cruising in Waikiki and we passed a toy shop. We went inside to look around and I saw an action figure of my favorite villain from the show One Piece. It was of the Shichibukai Sir Crocodile. It reminded me of that one episode where he was fighting and Luffy told him that he wanted to be Pirate King. Crocodile laughed and said that "The longer you hold on to your dreams the more they seem to fade." I guess in some sense this is true. The longer you wait to take your dream the farther away it will get from you. This was something that I had to learn the hard way. Throughout my life I guess I've never really been the person to go out and take things but instead I waited for things to come my way. I really regret it because I know I could've had a lot of fabulous things but instead I ended up waiting too long and those dreams just faded away. Now I'm starting to take faster action to achieve what I want but old habits die hard sometimes I'm still a bit timid to do new things but I dunno. Its funny how I learn so much from the villains in the show maybe it means that I'll be a villain later as well? haha well I've never really been the heroic type.... But it got me thinking of my own dreams and ambitions will they ever come true? I don't know I guess I'll just have to live life through and see where I go from here. Everyone has dreams some have big dreams and some have small, some are short term and some are long. I see dreams get crushed everyday and it makes me wonder if my dreams will get crushed as well. We all can't have what we want but we're still entitled to some sort of happiness I wonder what will make me happy in the future? Some dreams come true and there are others that die. I guess I'm just afraid of what the future has in store for me.

Boiling Hate

Ah so today I went to Ala Moana with her. Not really something I was looking forward to but you know what? I went with her just for old times sake. I got up this morning thinking that this would just be another ordinary day until I realized that I had plans today. I kept telling myself that I'd keep my cool and that everything would be okay but as soon as I saw her drive into my driveway I started getting irritated. I guess just the sight of her makes my blood boil. I keep telling myself that I'll forgive her and that everything can go back to the way it used to be. I try and I try really hard to forgive but as soon as I see her and hear her voice I start getting angry. It was a really quiet car ride to Ala Moana she tried making a conversation but I shot it down with short and brief answers and she could tell I was still mad because I was talking with an irritated voice. It's been so long now and I keep telling myself what's done is done and that I should just forget it and move on but you want to know something? I can't. I can't do it. My boss who also happens to work at a church (he helps out at a catholic church I'm a Christian) told me that instead of hating people for what they've done in the past we should judge people by what they are doing in the present. I guess you could say that this is where God is really testing me but the sad thing is I fail the test every time God gives this to me. But yeah we ended up having lunch and dinner together and we went shopping for clothes and stuff. It was weird because I wanted to say something but my mouth stayed shut. She gave me $100 and I reluctantly took it she didn't want to take no for an answer. This just made me feel worse inside I wanted to forgive her but I couldn't every time I looked at her or heard her voice I just got more angry. After Ala Moana we went for a drive through Waikiki still not saying a word to each other. It was a really nice drive it kind of made me want to visit Japan because we saw a whole hoard of Japanese people running around Waikiki. After that we ate dinner at Gyotaku and she started talking to me about God. Again I got irritated but this time I cut her off and started yelling at her saying that she's told me that a million times! It's just one of the things that irritates me! She keeps repeating herself it's like she's a broken record on turbo mode or something. I know its not her fault that she's like that and it's not mine either but I dunno she just irritates me to the extreme. It was an early dinner actually because we left the restaurant at 6 and got stuck in stupid traffic when she was dropping me off home. Its not her fault that she is the way she is but I guess I just can't accept that or what she's done in the past. She's always trying to make up for it but for some reason I just can't accept her apology. I feel bad for how hard she's trying but you can't pay any amount of money to make up for what she's done but at the same time what's done is done but I just can't get over it. Today should've been fun but it was pretty miserable I felt irritated the entire day. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never been like this to anyone else in my entire life. I want so badly to forgiver her but I can't it just this boiling hate that's stopping me. I honestly don't know what I should do.