At a Distance

I've always wondered why I've always felt at a distance from many people. Is it because I'm not used to working with people that don't meet my standards? Is it because people think I'll shoot them down cause they're not good enough? Or perhaps this distance is because of my half? I was wondering about this while I was bowling with the victory club today and I guess I've decided that it was more on my half. Growing up I've always been isolated. When I was a kid in elementary school I was never allowed to go over to a friends house or have a friend over mine. It was the same routine everyday go to school do my work and then go home. It wasn't until 8th grade that I started to get some freedom but by that time people were so used to me saying "I can't make it" that I never really got invited to much things anymore. I guess I've always felt at a distance from people cause I could never make that connection with other people that close friends have. Being sheltered in my house for more than half my life my social skills really suffered I mean when I was at home my parents would just tell me to be quiet and watch television. When I see close friends nowadays I wonder how they made that connection. I've always wondered how people just spill their life story and their problems to each other cause I've been bottling everything up over the years so when I hear people talking to each other about their problems I find it so weird. Now that I graduated high school I have a lot more freedom than I did back in the day. In fact I pretty much don't have a curfew and can do just about anything I want to. Lately I've been going out with friends and stuff but I still can't seem to make that connection with other people. I can make people laugh and we all enjoy ourselves when we go places but it's just so hard to make that deep connection with other people. I dunno but lately the church I've been going to has been helping make that connection with other people. Throughout the day I've been asked question that I really had to look into myself to answer and I think I'm starting to know what that deep everlasting connection feels like. I dunno I'm new to this so maybe someday I'll find that friend I can make that connection to. I guess for now I just have to have people keep prying me open so I won't always be at such a distance from other people.

Metamorphosis

So today I saw a butterfly flying while walking home after grad practice and it made me think about change. Change is so random I mean at first the butterfly started off as a caterpillar and as time flies by it turns into a butterfly. That's so random I mean if you never knew about the life cycle of a caterpillar you would never expect it to sprout wings and start flying around and stuff. After thinking about that metamorphosis though it started making me think about my high school life and how I changed like that caterpillar. In Freshman year I used to be such a shy person and I still am in a way but now I go on broadcast in front of the school almost everyday, I speak to business people at board meetings, I show my videos to people in my community. I never imagined myself talking to all of these people. I think what hit me the most was my friends though. I remember in Freshman year me, Gary, Arnel, and Sean used to be so close we were like the fantastic four (except we were all guys) we used to do everything together. These were the days where I actually looked forward to coming to school everyday. But I guess as times change so do people. Like our teacher predicted we split up and ended up barely talking to each other and it makes me wonder if this is what it'll be like with all my high school friends. Everyone is splitting up and going their own ways going on to fancy colleges across the U.S. It makes me kind of sick thinking about it but that's life I guess. We can't hold on to things forever and that's something I just can't accept. I guess you could say I'm old fashioned not really the type of person for change. Kind of like a republican I guess if you put it in political terms. I dunno I've always been afraid of change even though I know its for the best I'm always living in the past and thats one of the things that just keeps dragging me down in life. On the last few days of my high school career I looked at people I've known for years and everyone has changed a lot. Some made great changes and some made changes for the worse. I looked at myself and not much has changed. I always told myself that I'd be a better person, I'd be more outgoing, I'd be more confident in things, but I guess I've failed at those things. Everyone in the world is changing except me. I'm the same old kid from elementary just trapped in an aging body in an ever changing world. Someday I hope I'll change.

Brothers

I'm graduating on Saturday and that isn't too far from now. It got me thinking back on my high school years and the people that made the most impact on my life. Dang man then I started thinking about you. You've always been a great friend and I've always viewed you as you family. You were probably the closest thing to a brother that I have ever had. Throughout all the years that I've known you I always looked up to you. Whenever there was a situation you always seemed to know what to do and when to do it. Well at least in my eyes you did. You were the guy that I always wanted to be, you had the brains, you had the potential, you had the looks, you pretty much had everything that I wanted. It's so strange though how opposite we've become though. Like I said earlier you have the looks, the brains, and the resources to take you far. You could've went to an ivy league school no doubt about it full ride and everything if you tried but you didn't try. I started off with nothing, I don't have good looks, I'm not charming, everyone looks at me like the secondary character and yet I was accepted to all of these mainland universities. But where am I going? I'm going to UH for now. Why? Because I'm not like you I don't have the confidence to travel and all that. Now that I think of it though I should've went to a mainland school and I regret not starting on scholarships early because I could've been the one to go to some fancy school and get a fabulous degree. You didn't work on scholarships either but you know what the difference was? You knew about all of these scholarships way before time unlike myself where I found out last minute. You had everything you needed to make it far in life but you ignored those opportunities for parties and fun, opportunities and resources that I would've killed for. In the first few years I met you and the others we said we'd make it big. Now that I look at it I'm not too sure if that's possible anymore. I worked hard to get where I'm at and although I'm tired and dying out, I can't give up just not yet. Some people from our group will make it far while others dropped out of the race a long time ago but I'm going to be on that success train and I just hope you won't be the one waving goodbye to us on the platform while that train takes us away. I will get that degree and show everyone that you CAN get somewhere starting with nothing and I'll slap the faces of those who looked down upon me with my success. Many of the more educated people I talk to talk down about you a lot but I defend you and they just laugh. I hope that someday you'll be able to prove them wrong. We both have tired eyes from seeing reality for what it is. The only thing I'm sad about is that you saw the temptations coming but you decided to give into them. Sometimes when we talk you look disappointed like you've failed or something. We don't talk as often as we used to and I'm not sure why. Maybe it's because you don't want me becoming like you? Or perhaps its because I'm a loser in your friend's eyes? Or perhaps I've just been a lousy friend all these years. I've always looked at you like a brother and I've always tried to walk in your footsteps but I guess this is the part where its time for us to split. I can't follow you forever because we both have our own ambitions to follow. You have a lot of potential and I hope someday you'll use that potential and become successful one day. Over the years we've really grown apart but I'll always see you as a brother. Like I said earlier you were probably the closest thing to a brother that I could've possible have and I just wanted to thank you for that. I'm not sure as to what your plans are now but I just wish the best of luck to you in whatever you plan on doing. The only thing I have left to say is you have the ability to see things better than other people if you used that vision and your talent for better purposes you'll make it far in life much farther than I could possible go. Good luck to you in life bro.