Boiling Hate

Ah so today I went to Ala Moana with her. Not really something I was looking forward to but you know what? I went with her just for old times sake. I got up this morning thinking that this would just be another ordinary day until I realized that I had plans today. I kept telling myself that I'd keep my cool and that everything would be okay but as soon as I saw her drive into my driveway I started getting irritated. I guess just the sight of her makes my blood boil. I keep telling myself that I'll forgive her and that everything can go back to the way it used to be. I try and I try really hard to forgive but as soon as I see her and hear her voice I start getting angry. It was a really quiet car ride to Ala Moana she tried making a conversation but I shot it down with short and brief answers and she could tell I was still mad because I was talking with an irritated voice. It's been so long now and I keep telling myself what's done is done and that I should just forget it and move on but you want to know something? I can't. I can't do it. My boss who also happens to work at a church (he helps out at a catholic church I'm a Christian) told me that instead of hating people for what they've done in the past we should judge people by what they are doing in the present. I guess you could say that this is where God is really testing me but the sad thing is I fail the test every time God gives this to me. But yeah we ended up having lunch and dinner together and we went shopping for clothes and stuff. It was weird because I wanted to say something but my mouth stayed shut. She gave me $100 and I reluctantly took it she didn't want to take no for an answer. This just made me feel worse inside I wanted to forgive her but I couldn't every time I looked at her or heard her voice I just got more angry. After Ala Moana we went for a drive through Waikiki still not saying a word to each other. It was a really nice drive it kind of made me want to visit Japan because we saw a whole hoard of Japanese people running around Waikiki. After that we ate dinner at Gyotaku and she started talking to me about God. Again I got irritated but this time I cut her off and started yelling at her saying that she's told me that a million times! It's just one of the things that irritates me! She keeps repeating herself it's like she's a broken record on turbo mode or something. I know its not her fault that she's like that and it's not mine either but I dunno she just irritates me to the extreme. It was an early dinner actually because we left the restaurant at 6 and got stuck in stupid traffic when she was dropping me off home. Its not her fault that she is the way she is but I guess I just can't accept that or what she's done in the past. She's always trying to make up for it but for some reason I just can't accept her apology. I feel bad for how hard she's trying but you can't pay any amount of money to make up for what she's done but at the same time what's done is done but I just can't get over it. Today should've been fun but it was pretty miserable I felt irritated the entire day. I don't know what's wrong with me. I've never been like this to anyone else in my entire life. I want so badly to forgiver her but I can't it just this boiling hate that's stopping me. I honestly don't know what I should do.